Uninhibited feelings of joy, love and sadness. I have experienced all these this past month. This is a story about profound and beautiful emotions and a collection of photographs since the start of 'hope'.
Four weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. Not longer than a week ago, I found out our baby had no heartbeat. An unexpected dream bringing an unknown happiness, shattered in an instant and replaced by an all-encompassing cloak of grief. A cloak that suffocated my whole being. Not just for the baby I had lost, but also for me, and a sense of hopelessness in life itself. For these past few months pursuing my dreams, have not been all that easy and I have wondered whether a part of me welcomed my pregnancy as a release from my struggling. I will never forget my lowest moment the night our bad news was confirmed, tears streaming down my face, body shuddering, searching for a job in my old line of field. Yearning for mind-numbing security, to replace the scariness of the unknown.
However. Despite the intense heartbreak that led me to question my ‘hope’, I will remember this month of profound emotions as being the most beautiful of my life.
What I remember is the extreme elation as Fred and I adjusted to our new situation and as our thoughts wandered and wondered about life ahead. The even deeper closeness and bond we felt for each other because of the new being growing inside of me. The great love and support from our friends and family, both in sharing our good news and bad - love which is ever present, but not so rawly felt as it is when certain things happen. It was a special time and I am grateful for every minute.
A dear friend told me that while life is full of many challenges and adventures which we can never predict, it all turns out beautiful in the end if we ride the waves with an open mind and heart. This is just so true. I didn’t get further with my job search that night. In the short time since then I have styled the food for a Kinfolk gathering and made talented new friends. I have been accepted into a photography scholarship at a renowned studio. And I have met someone whose work I previously admired from afar, who wants to create something together with me. And so while in my deepest darkest moments of grief I have wanted to run away from doing what I love, today my 'hope' does feel beautiful. I am looking forward to continuing this journey.
Thank you for being with me this far.